?

Log in


superfrail in phonemenal

Exercise 3 - superfrail

I meant to complete this exercise long ago, but was inspired to flesh out a completely different idea. I would like to continue this further at some point. I had the notion of these already-overpowering beings existing as simple earthly avatars for, well, sentient quasars.

Critique:

• Use of "afterward" in first paragraph
• "aidon" as mythobabble - open to alternates
• Punctuation, colons and hyphens in particular

---
If I were to go there a second time, I would not see them again. The Great Old Ones had passed from this world just as the aidon had passed from the seas. But the sting of acid still hung in the air over the hilltop, and certainly nothing that breathed ever made its home there afterward.

I could not close my eyes without seeing them: four tall, angular pillars of roughly-hewn rock, sentient and powerful. The eyes of their all-too-human faces stared toward the horizon where the ocean met the sky. I could not sleep without sensing them: four dark holes in the fabric of reality. They pierced me. And I looked to the night sky, when Polymor hung low in the constellation Auriga, unable to shake the sudden rush of vertigo.

The living pyramids had crested the hilltop slowly, rumbling and grating like giant chess pieces. As I became aware of their attention, I lost the ability to stand. On my knees I observed them, magnificent and otherworldly. Here were the gods whose counsel I had crossed an ocean to acquire, whose presence I dared believe I was capable of enduring.

My reasons for coming were meaningless, I realized, as the foremost pillar began to speak.

Comments

ohhh, yes. I love this place.

For some reason, I have always loved the idea of massive, slow-moving life. Monolithic beings. I don't know why. But I can see these, and smell the air.

I will post more later, a more in depth comment based on the critiques you requested.


Magical.